Summer of Healthcare, part II

"OK, here's what we'll do. We'll get them in here, make them nice and comfortable and take a long tube with a camera and some tools on the end of it and run it right up their butts. We'll take movies of their intestines and they'll love it. We'll make a fortune."

So maybe it isn't this simple, but it still so successful that even the empty heads at Medicare can get their brains around it.

This then is the second part of my summer of healthcare, all of this prompted, of course, by my impending unemployment. First the minor surgery for cyst removal and now my 5 year colonoscopy. It is nothing one anticipates but it really wasn't that bad.

For starters, they changed to a different anesthetic. Before, they loaded you up with Demerol. It leaves you groggy and sleepy for a while, but after you get home you have what may be the greatest nap in the world. The new knock-out of choice is the same thing Michael Jackson overdosed on last year. You are out and awake with no concept of the loss of time and at least as clear-headed as you were before they began the procedure.

Last time I woke up about half way through--this time there isn't a chance in hell you wake up until they want you to.

The prep is also a little easier. There is no - and I still don't even like to use the word - enema. It has been replaced with 38 doses of Miralax with a half gallon of Gatorade. It isn't a huge improvement because no one can drink a half gallon of lemon-lime Gatorade in three hours. The attempt is enough to make you borderline sick, but at least that's it. No enema to follow up at the end of this gag-fest.

The people that work doing colonoscopies all day long are cheery and friendly, and very reassuring. Some how they sense that folks are leery of having a load of stainless steel fed up their Sigmoid, and do their best to answer questions and allay all fears.

I just kind of wonder what they all talk about while they're at work. If they could write it down or put it on tape they could make a fortune. The books they might write would sell millions and turn into movies starring Adam Sandler or maybe David Spade and their brothers in bathroom humor.

Actually I have no doubt these folks are very professional. Most all I know who work as physicians and staff are extremely careful, exacting and as skilled as their training and experience permit. And this particular procedure has been recognized to actually save money in the prevention of colon cancer. Medicare is even planning to cover them at 100 percent, assuming that Medicare survives. But it is a reflection of the effectiveness of what they do.

But you just know they have to have a few really good stories. I hope I'm not one of them.