He took my career.

The man with the best job in the world is a TV host/chef/restauranteur by the name of Guy Fieri. He does not claim the best job in the world by simply appearing on TV. Nor is being a chef or owning and operating a restaurant the best job in the world. My grandfather did that; it is hard work with long hours. Fieri has the best job in the world because as the host of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network, he gets to go around to really good places all over the U.S.A. and eat what appears to be great food--on someone else's nickle. I think I was supposed to do that.

Is there a better job?

I don't think so. Some of the diners he spotlights are not simply breakfast and burger places, but places run by men and women with food training and vision far beyond that of a fry cook. These people are awesome.

Consider Bobo's Drive-in 80 minutes west of here in Topeka. Good burgers and fries and onion rings, like you would expect. But they also serve fresh apple pie, homemade daily right there in the drive-in. They will serve it ala mode if you like, in your car. Not standard drive-in food for Sonic or McDonald's. (No, that isn't a slam on those fine restaurants.)

How about Bert's Burger Bowl in Santa Fe? Cheeseburgers there are topped out with fresh New Mexico green chile salsa. If you want to try something even more unusual, they make a lamb-burger. They have been in business selling food like that for generations, and it looks fabulous seen through my non-hi definition analog TV screen. I can only imagine how it looks in the flesh and if it tastes half that good, it is worth a ride down there.

Another Santa Fe place is the Tecolote Cafe. Watching folks crowd in to eat blue-corn pancakes with pine nuts or huevos rancheros was just killing me, again with the New Mexico chile salsa, this time green or red: your choice. Again, made fresh daily.

I am a sucker for thin-crust pizza, and Fieri found one at Louie's in Dallas. Outside Louie's looks like an old filling station. Inside the two Chicago-area brothers that run the place are making mouth-watering thin crust pizza, similar to what you get at the Pizza Man in Overland Park. But they also do bar food and cook a mean burger, just beautifully done, with a secret soy marinade.

These are the kinds of places Guy showcases. He gives you the story of the place, what the special twist is that makes it different, and then tortures you by showing how the food comes together. Then with the audience (read: me) in virtual starvation, he samples the finished products just to twist the knife a little deeper. ("Oh, yeah!" he will say. "You would like this!") Bastard.

This is the job I know I was meant to have except for my utter lack of formal food training, my absence of having a TV (or any) personality and the need to lose 55 pounds. Except for those few minor, really meaningless details, Guy Fieri stole this career right out from underneath me.

It isn't all exceptional burgers and pizzas. He has hit places that serve lamb shank, German specialites, amazing Italian food (one place in Omaha, family run, even makes their own mozzarella.) One diner in Georgia serves it all: Greek, Italian, American--it's all there, and nearly all of it done from scratch. The patrons interviewed there at the Marietta Diner, many as they were eating, looked to me like they wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I cannot do this kind of work; Guy is already doing it. Al Roker has a similar show. The demand has been met. Thus I will have to be prepared to go to these places and pay for my own food. I fully intend to do just that, because I have to know for myself.

I have a list.